


never meant to be said

by nervecore



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, Childhood Friends, M/M, Memory Loss, Not Beta Read, They're In Love Your Honor, We Die Like Men, and takes dumb risks, friends to lovers very lowkey, jisung misses felix a lot, kinda angsty, mention of car accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:14:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26898016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nervecore/pseuds/nervecore
Summary: the series of unfortunate events wasn’t worth it. his attempts were useless, but there was he, facing felix and confessing everything to the only person he knew that would understand. that would tell him that what he did was actually worth it.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	never meant to be said

**Author's Note:**

> NOT BETA READ
> 
> hii!! i have no idea what i just wrote, tbh. i guess it was kind of a vent writing? i just wrote whatever came to my mind, because i was kinda sad and i wanted something to catch that emptiness feeling so there yall go i guess lol
> 
> enjoy

“it was never meant to be said, but yet here i am. with nothing to give you, but my honest words.”

that was a sentence han jisung never expected once in his life to say, but a series of unfortunate events led him to that kind of drastic decision. of course, it was something done on impulse, but there was no way he could have stopped himself from such thing. if you ever told him one day that he was going to be put in front of that someone and get told to say what he only thought and never said, he would have laughed in your face and tell you it was crazy.

it started with an event that took place in his childhood. he used to have a best friend from around his neighbourhood and they always were together, mostly because their families knew each other as well. but that wasn’t important, what counted was the fact that jisung always missed his friend.

you might wonder why was that? weren’t they always together?

and you would be right.

however, jisung’s best friend moved away when they were both fourteen. but in the same year, he was also caught in a car accident and lost his memory. his parents decided to get rid of all the stuff regarding his past and let him start his life again. it wasn’t like jisung minded, he couldn’t recall his past. but he was left with a major uneasy feeling. he was never sure what that feeling was and didn’t try to ask his parents, as they also acted like the last fourteen years of his life never existed.

it felt like a silent agreement between them, no one ever tried to bring up the memories jisung lost. and jisung never spoke up about the strange feeling following him everywhere.

you would think that at some point some different kind of events would re-surface and make jisung question his past, yet it never happened. maybe his parents were just too good at hiding stuff or maybe jisung was too preoccuiped with other things he was supposed to do.

but that didn’t mean that his thoughts weren’t going back and forth towards the strange empty feeling following him.

of course, he got tired of not knowing what it was, so one day, unbeknownst to his family, he decided to ask the psychologist of his school about it in a lunch break. he tried his best to explain what it was and how it felt, since he wanted an insight on what was going on with him.

the answer he got only confused him even more. he was told that he was missing someone. not something. but someone. he lost his memories, but he didn’t miss the memories, he missed the person he made them with. it was someone who felt very special to jisung, but he had no idea who it could have been. but it made him curious. he wanted to know who he missed and why. it wasn’t like he could answer that on his own and it wasn’t like his parents were going to answer him.

he needed someone who would give in and tell him whatever he wanted to know about his past. but how could he achieve such thing, when it seemed like everyone wanted him to forget his past so badly and live on with his life? he had no lead, besides the fact that he terribly missed someone from his past. who even could know about his past, without being from his family? it was absurd to say the least.

until one day he figured out who could give in to his questions. he wasn’t close with that said person. you could say they were kind of enemies, but it was better than nothing. and he was aware that the person he thought about would be curious enough about his intentions to give him the answers he oh so desperately needed.

“so you’re here to ask me? about your past?” the blond haired boy asked, with total shock on his face. “do you know how weird that sounds, han jisung?” he continued to question the smaller boy in front of him.

“please hyunjin, i know we’re not in good terms or whatever you want to call it, but you’re the only one who could answer me. no one wants to tell me anything.” jisung pleaded him with puppy like eyes, to which hyunjin only sighed.

“you have five minutes before i slam the desk in your face.” was the only thing the taller boy told him, before jisung started asking questions. they weren’t even that many, so hyunjin could have peace way before those five minutes were done.

it was kind of weird though, why wouldn’t his parents let him know about his best friend, even if he was away in other country? it wasn’t like he could reach out to him, he didn’t have his number and he tried searching for a ‘lee felix’ that matched what hyunjin described him as, but to no avail. it bothered him, but it wasn’t like he could do much else and he couldn’t just go around and ask his parents, they’d start questioning jisung if he remembers his past.

which he didn’t. and it sucked, because he vividly recalled the image of felix in his head, but he couldn’t recall anything else about him. it was very strange. to put a face to the person he missed so badly. it felt like a dream come true, but in a wonky way. because he remembered him, but not why he missed him so badly.

and it wasn’t like he could just fly to australia and try find a boy called ‘lee felix’.

...or could he?

to say it was hard to convince his parents to let him go in an exchange students program for the third year of high school was, in fact, a misunderstanding. it didn’t take jisung only a lot of begging and housework to convince them, but a written paper of him promising on what was the most loved by him that he would not, under any circumstances, get into any bad situations, no matter what.

but hey, at least he could go.

it worked, didn’t it?

however, what jisung didn’t take into account was the fact that sydney was a huge city. and he had no damn idea how you could find one particular boy in a city so big. what was he supposed to do, hold a sign with ‘any lee felix around’? that sounded stupid.

however, life was on his side at least once, because he happened to see his new school’s records and spotted the name he wished to find in the same grade as him. not same class, but it was a start. at least he could celebrate for that.

well, now he just hoped it was the right one. and if it wasn’t… he guessed he would just cry to himself or something, he had no idea.

and oh how sweet his reaction was when he found out that the boy named ‘lee felix’ in the same grade as him was the felix he was looking for.

the pieces of the puzzle started to fit together.

but there was another bummer.

he had no plan on how to start a conversation with his best friend. or how to approach him. so he just watched from afar. how felix had so many friends, how happy he was and how loved he felt around everyone. jisung’s heart ached way too many times looking at those moments. it made him miss what they used to have. and that was what triggered something inside the boy. what made him start remember so many events from the past. and not only.

how he felt when found out that felix was going to move to australia. how his heart ached when his best friend told him about his first crush. how he felt when felix departed and he never got the chance to tell him what his feelings towards him were.

wait.

he loved felix?

more than a friend?

oh.

the realisation hit jisung like a truck and it made him panic in the middle of a class, so he was rushed to the infirmery in the school and was told to rest, as the nurse knew he had an accident. and well, he told her that his memories were coming back and he was remembering stuff he didn’t know how to handle.

it pained him, because he realised why he missed felix that much and upon seeing how happy felix was without him, he started to think that trying to find him wasn’t the wisest decision he ever took. he kind of regretted it, but it was too late. he just had to live on with the fact that he was too much of a coward to confront felix and that his suffering was all because of a damned car accident.

so the third year of high school was almost on the end and jisung never once interacted with felix. he was sure that the boy didn’t even know there was a ‘han jisung’ in his school. and that only hurt jisung more. he had so little days until leaving to go back to his hometown and he had no power within himself to reconcile with his ex-best friend.

until the day when he was supposed to leave came. and a spurt of impulse made him take the riskiest decision he ever took in his life. not only confront felix face to face, but also confess his feelings.

“it was never meant to be said, but yet here i am. with nothing to give you, but my honest words.” the words left jisung’s mouth so fast, that it gave felix so less time to be shocked about his past best friend standing in front of him.

it felt unreal. jisung felt tears forming in the corner of his eyes, but tried to ignore them.

“i’m sorry, i never forgot about you. i have no idea if you heard, but i went through an accident that wiped my memory and then my parents decided to just let me start my life again. i know it sounds fake, but felix, i promise you it’s the truth. and i’m sorry i’m not stopping to give you a hug or let you be mad at me, but i only got one hour left before i’m supposed to be at the airport on my way back home. even if i didn’t remember you right away, i always have missed you without me being aware. i ahd this emptiness in my heart and one day i asked a specialist about it. she told me i miss a specific person, not the memories but i was missing you. i knew nothing about my past, so i had to ask hyunjin about you. so i found out why and how. i convinced my parents to come on this exchange students program in sydney and you were in my grade, but i couldn’t talk to you. i was afraid. and because of my pain of seeing you so happy, despite me missing you for years, i got most of my memories back and felix… i missed you so much because i have restant feelings for you. i never got to tell you, because you left. but i think… i’m still in love with you, lee felix.”

jisung considered those words never meant to be said. the adventure he took to find his best friend not worth it. the fact that he regained his memories… worthless, but he still did all of those. he was fine with rejection, but he just wanted to be content with himself and the suffering he was put through by forgetting about his best friend he had feelings for and then starting to remember all of it again. it was painful.

the series of unfortunate events wasn’t worth it. his attempts were useless, but there was he, facing felix and confessing everything to the only person he knew that would understand. that would tell him that what he did was actually worth it.

and it was true, because a pair of arms engulfed him in a tight hug and he felt hot tears running down the other boy’s face that were soaking his t-shirt. felix understood. and missed him just the same.

the words were never meant to be said, but saying them made two people’s life better. the words were never meant to be said, but they brought back together two best friends. the words were never meant to be said, but they made wonders. and both of them were grateful, because they were once again together. because two souls who longed for each other were finally meeting the other again. because their pain and their suffering was understood by someone else who wasn’t them.

because they weren’t alone, finally.


End file.
